A Day in the Life of a Management Consultant

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In mid-2020, I had a casual contract with health consultancy firm Emerson Health. It was an interesting experience, as I’d never worked in health before, so there was a lot of new information to absorb. A lot. And I had to be quick about it.

Once I’d finally finished building the company’s professional development site (Emerson.Live), we’d pivoted to a content creation focus. Part of the plan involved writing some interesting and original blog material. Here’s one such post I wrote.

“You cannot look twice at the same river, for fresh waters are ever flowing in.”

– Heraclitus

In the world of management consultancy, a lot of people focus on the outcomes, but less often does anyone wonder: “how do they produce what they do?”

In today’s blog, that’s exactly what we’re going to look at. We’re going to pull back the curtains on the life of a management consultant and show a day in the life of a management consultant.

Before getting underway, we’re going to provide a rough, generally-agreed upon definition of a management consultant does. Simply put, a management consultant solves problems for people – usually within a particular field.

Most days for a management consultant involve processing a hefty amount of information, wading through the data, making sense of it all, from both macro and micro levels, and stripping all the data into their assorted, basic parts, so that an important question can be asked: “so what?”

The question exists to frame layers and levels of importance among all the information presented, to establish levels of priority, urgency, and importance. Being able to distinguish between competing levels of importance helps identify where value can be derived, assorted bottlenecks and problems, and drivers of change – or lack thereof. It’s the first step towards the management consultant value proposition of solving other peoples’ problems.

The Sight of the Sun

By identifying the problems plaguing a client, the consultant can then begin the next stage of their job: ideating solutions to the problems and communicating solution suggestions to the client. All the work put into solving a problem is for nothing if it can’t be communicated to a client in a way that will make sense to them.

The ideation process can take place in any number of ways. Perhaps the most common approach utilised during an ideation (or brainstorming) session is to use a whiteboard to write ideas out, to identify correlations, ties, connections, pathways, and – hopefully! – solutions.

A successful ideation session will lead to then determining the best possible way to communicate a strategy to the client. Most often this will come in the form of an easy to digest PowerPoint presentation that lays out the key points and goals in easy to understand language that the client will be able to process and understand. As one of our co-workers like say: “simple but no simpler.”

Why not simply provide a quick verbal update or an email instead?

The simple answer is: that doesn’t respect the relationship between the client and the consultancy. A diligently prepared presentation communicates to the client that real effort is being put into the solution-seeking. Beyond even its function as a value-add proposition, it communicates to the client that their needs are being taken seriously. Beyond the solution-seeking, what’s being fostered is hopefully a continued, long-term relationship between the two organisations. As such, it needs to be treated with an appropriate level of care, thoughtfulness, and trust.

Developing trust between the two parties, establishing a rapport, this helps the management consultant in the long term. Especially when hard, difficult questions and propositions need to be raised to affect a beneficial solution and outcome.

The Speed of Trust

One of the many tasks a management consultant performs is what would likely nowadays be called ‘relationship management’ – maintaining and managing a relationship with a client, having a regular back and forth to identify new concerns, pain points, frustrations, issues, and challenges, and hopefully some solutions.

The formula that can dictate how some management consultants operate is this: when trust goes up – speed goes up. Meaning: decisions are more quickly made, red tape becomes less of an issuer, the number of barriers are reduced, and costs reduce. As a result of this increase in speed, everyone’s job theoretically becomes easier to do, and things get done more at a faster pace.

Conversely, a disintegrating relationship where trust has disintegrated and the rapport is poor results in a slower decision-making process, sees an increase in red tape and barriers to success, and a hike in costs.

Resultantly, management consultants keep in the back pocket of their minds the importance of maintaining a positive relationship with their sponsors – it ultimately reduces friction for all parties involved.

Aim and Ignite

But a management consultant’s job doesn’t stop there. Beyond regular check-ins and face to face meetings and onsite visits, there’s still more work to be done. Like their clients, governments never stay still, and release new guidance, policies, and rules that need to be brought into consideration. Therefore, it becomes necessary to keep apace of changes in local, state, and federal policy shifts, as well as meeting the needs of one’s line manager/reporting line.

Of course, ultimately, the aim of a management consultancy is to produce a positive outcome, and that means having to not only create – as mentioned earlier – PowerPoint presentations. Some days it will be necessary to prepare ‘deliverables’, including reports, onsite client shadowing as a form of client support, and guidance around and on risk.

Carry On

The picture we’ve tried to paint of a management consultancy is a little like a busy painting: on any given day there’s a lot going on, and certain personalities are better suited than others to deal with such a dynamic environment.

Empathy is an absolute must, towards co-workers and clients alike. Judgement is unwelcome company. An agile, considerate personality will find success. The hours will be long. The tasks will be many, and they will vary. Compassion – not ego – must be the guiding principle of the day. You will have to ask hard questions of the client. You will need to be clear. And confident.

This will be your day. Each different – never the same as the one before. Your comfort zone will be challenged. And you will grow as a person. This is a guarantee. It’s like Heraclitus tried to teach us: you never step into the same river twice. So too will no two days at a management consulting firm be the same.

Sea Dragons, Some Wild Things, and Louisa Johnson’s Latest

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A friend from the US who works in recruitment contacted me in 2017, asking how I’d feel about writing some copy for a fashion company. I’d never written about fashion before. Which, of course, meant that I said yes. I spent several weeks immersed exclusively in the world of fashion writing. This is the end result.

You may have heard of Louisa Johnson. If you haven’t, it’s probably only a matter of time until you do. Appearing on the UK edition of The X-Factor during the first week of auditions, Louisa’s cover of The Jackson 5’s ‘Who’s Loving You?’, her astonishing range, dedication to the craft, and theatricality astonished the judges, thus propelling her towards her singular goal of becoming a professional singer.

In just two years’ time, she’s managed to wow audiences with subsequent performances, the release of numerous singles, and a planned debut album due out in 2017. But until that time, she’s found herself content to release a slew of diverse single and music videos, including the recently released ‘Best Behaviour’.

Shot in the desert outside Los Angeles, the video featured a wide and colourful array of dancers, ravers, and festival goers decked out in haute couture clothing could best be described as futuristic party aesthetic, meshing the best of famed French artist Jean Giraud, aka Moebius (of Fifth Element fame) with fashion that would fit right into background shots in Blade Runner. And planes. Lots of planes.

The fashion on display in the video itself comes to us by way of Sea Dragon and Wild Things. The latter is a decidedly unique and independent distributor and retailer of boutique designers and labels. For fashionistas looking to get a good taste of just how inventive the fashion world can be, Wild Things offers an excellent glimpse of just what’s possible with clothing. If you’re after Rock Chic, Neon Raver Gear, dance or festival clothing, or something else entirely, Wild Thing aims to provide the look people are after.

Working in unison with Wild Thing is famed fashion house Sea Dragon Studios, who, in their own words, are an “independent maker of fun, comfortable, and fabulous festival wear, designed to make you look as good as you feel”.

To thus accentuate Johnson’s burner-flavoured video, Sea Dragon Studios, in collaboration with Wild Things, provided Johnson and her team of producers with the right material for such a shoot – the Sea Dragon Holographic Playsuit!

Featuring the playa white edition, the costume features hidden pockets, a built-in bust lining, and a wide-band halter neck among several other specific design features aimed at ensuring that wears can feel comfortable in clothing that stretches, is breathable, and adaptable to both the time of day and with accessories.

Intrigued? Want to have a better, closer look at Sea Dragon’s line of products? Well, click on the following link! And if you’re interested to learn more about Wild Thing and their services, you can visit them at their website.

Australian Budget 2017: Five facts you need to know and share

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I confess: I did not see this coming. After all, I’d just left a four-year stint in finance to go and join the gig economy. Then my phone rang, and it was Chartered Accountants. Asking me if I would be willing to stay up till all hours of the morning, going over the upcoming budget release, and produce some material for their website.

Word had somehow got around that I’d left ANZ and was a free agent. Hey – I’d worked on the budget for four years in a row at ANZ, knew what to expect of the production process, and knew roughly how much coffee it would involve (a lot).

Chartered Accountants are a terrific bunch. Great sense of humour. This was a fun job.

IN BRIEF:

·       HECs tweaks mean repayments will kick in sooner.

·       Focus of universities will be on developing employable skills.

·       Universities will have their budgets cut.

The Australian Budget night’s come and gone and you’re probably wondering “What does all of this stuff actually mean for me??” Well, here are some things to know about – and to make yourself sound smart in front of others.

1. Job title degrees

Universities are getting a makeover. That’s right! What you’re studying will suddenly be a lot more like what you’ll likely find yourself doing when you graduate. Think: less Bachelor of Arts and more like… Bachelors of Business Management.

What to say to sound smart: At least it’s easier to tell grandma what I’m going to do when I grow up!

2. HECS hits

HECS repayments are about to get hectic! Normally people don’t start repaying their HECS debts until they earn $52,000 or more. Think again. Repaymentgeddon will now start at $42,000 – which, by the way, is just a grand shy of the typical Australian annual income ($43,000).

What to say to sound smart: The earlier repayments kick in, the earlier we pay off the loan…

3. Indexed to the max

Speaking of repayment thresholds – the thresholds that are currently indexed (economist jargon here term; just use the word “linked” so you have more than a snowball’s chance in hell of being understood) to the measure of average weekly earnings (AWE) in Australia? As of 2018, repayments will instead be linked (see what we did there?) to inflation.

What to say to sound smart: It just means our repayments will go up and down like other costs.

4. Drugs!

Got your attention? Good. But we mean the stuff that keeps you alive when you’ve contracted the man flu: medicine! The Medicare rebate freeze is going away, which means doctors will keep on being supported, there’ll be more money for drug research, and you’ll still be able to go to your doctor and not pay a cent!

What to say to sound smart: We can continue seeing doctors for free, and as a bonus, there’s more money for useful drug research.

5. Cost squeeze

The government will be hitting universities with “efficiency dividends” (a jargon term that in normal English means “budget cuts”) of between 2-3% over the next few years. The government has argued that universities receive adequate funding for most courses and revenues (from students) are growing faster than costs.

What to say to sound smart: If unis are going to keep on providing great services they’ll have to hire better accountants!

Would you like to know more?

For the more in-depth version of the above written by Chartered Accountants who understand and can extrapolate the long-term consequences of this Australian budget, check out their commentary on the CA ANZ website. The changes in the university sector will have near- to medium-term repercussions on repayment speeds, and are likely to lead to changes in the structure and annual expenditure dedicated to administrative services within university faculties and departments.

(Source: https://www.youunlimitedanz.com/be-inspired/articles/five-facts-you-need-to-know-about-the-australian-budget-2017)

Scoop Your Moop

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A friend from the US who works in recruitment contacted me in 2017, asking how I’d feel about writing some copy for a fashion company. I’d never written about fashion before. Which, of course, meant that I said yes. I spent several weeks immersed exclusively in the world of fashion writing. This is the end result.

You’ve probably heard of it before. Chances are, the person uttering this word? Not very happy with someone else.

There’s a reason for it.

MOOP is something that gives ‘burners’ – and even festival goers in general – a bad reputation. Funny word, right? It doesn’t really sound like what it is. That’s because MOOP is actually an acronym. It means ‘Matter Out Of Place’. But what is Matter Out Of Place? Simple: anything that didn’t originate from the Earth.

Example:

A tree: Not MOOP.

A cigarette butt: Definitely MOOP.

Now, those of us who work here at Sea Dragon Studios – we love burns, we love festivals, and we love us our raves. We also love costumes. And shiny things. We definitely like shiny things. And we want to continue being able to make awesome shiny things for people to wear to festivals, to raves, and burns, because that’s what we’re passionate about, dammit.

In recent years, the reputation of attendees to such events has been tarnished due to the presence of excess amounts of MOOP. Cigarette butts, metal pegs, feathers, and glitter – just a few of the things identified as MOOP by those left to clean up after the matter.

But here’s the thing: we love glitter. Glitter is so, so shiny.

So we tried to find a way to demoopify glitter. Yes. Demoopify. We’ve actually said this word out loud, and we were even sober when it happened. Don’t like demoopify? How about MOOP-free? There’re fewer syllables there, so that should make everyone happy.

We’ve already ensured our clothing is moop-free by developing clothing that integrates glitter into the material, rather than cheaply covering the surface material with glitter that could, over time, come off. Likewise, we’ve tried to put our money where our mouth is and develop moop-free sequins and feather collars that won’t break, ensuring their status as moop-free clothing.

In our attempt to develop more moop-free products, we came across a solution that we thought was more than a little awesome: bioglitter. So we spent a bit of time researching the topic. Which led to us being able to happily announce that we’ve developed and will soon be stocking a biodegradable glitter.

The glitter options currently on the market are, well, not the best. And that’s not good enough. The biodegradable glitter we’re preparing to stock won’t fertilise – it’ll simply break apart. A would-be compost heap our products are not.

Sea Dragon Studios began with a simple ethos: the clothing we make should be comfortable, easy, simple, and hassle-free, so that you can put it on and go and enjoy yourself. We feel that festivals and burns should be the same way. And one of the best ways of doing that? By ensuring that everything we produce is moop-free.

Scott Lynch’s The Lies of Locke Lamora

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Raise your hand if you remember Livejournal. 

Now raise your hand if you still use it. 

Stop it. Don’t look at me like that. I like old, forgotten, visually uncomplicated things. It was on Livejournal that I found myself, one evening, writing up a review of the first book in Scott’s projected seven-book sequence, The Gentleman Bastards series. As is well known, it’s not uncommon for book lovers to dabble sometimes in the art of the book review. This was my attempt at giving it a go.  

Being the first book in the Gentleman Bastards series.

The Lies of Locke Lamora by Scott Lynch (Go read it. Now.)

Recently, writer Charles Stross presented the following musing:

“[H]igh fantasy seems to be remarkably po-faced; not that the protagonists aren’t allowed to demonstrate their own senses of humour in the interests of character development, but it seems to me that the worlds of high fantasy generally lack the kind of whimsical contingency that infuses reality. They take themselves seriously.”[1]

It is hoped that upon publication Mr.Stross will be have someone in fair England hand him a copy of Lynch’s novel, and declare that he ought to do little else for several days but read, and wonder that a heroic fantasy novel with a distinct sense of levity might actually find itself in existence.

At a brief glance, one might glean immediate influences ranging from Fritz Leiber’s Lankhmar books and Mieville’s New Crobuzon novels, to George R.R. Martin’s Westeros, and most immediately – the work of Matthew Woodring Stover (and perhaps a bit of Giacomo Casanova’s Histoire de Ma Vie). His own livejournal remarks upon a possibly ill-fated (and psychologically scarring) five year plan: “To own one copy of, and have read, each and every single novel that has ever won a Hugo, Nebula, Philip K.Dick, World Fantasy, Arthur C. Clarke, or Stoker Award by the end of five years from the commencement of this exercise in March 2002.”[2] Yet this is not so much a matter of influence as an awareness of the tradition within which Lynch is immersed.

What this reviewer is suggesting to those reading, in so many words is that this is not a thoughtless, forgettable novel. It may certainly, like any work of fiction, have flaws and short-comings, and may not appeal to all audiences (for it is a philosophically unstable truism that suggests all great artwork can be accepted as such to all humans). Yet try it does, with mad, passionate, energetic glee, doe-eyes and all.

The Lies of Locke Lamora is like a great rock and roll novel, trying its damnedest to grab readers by the shoulders, throwing them into a seat, and asking that they enjoy the show, before setting off a 600 page light-show of violence, action, characterisation, dense plotting, astute verbal word-play, deft (and frequently funny) metaphors, and yet never eschewing a sense of humour.

So here we have him, Locke Lamora, a character that likely would not have felt out of place in a Dickens novel, a former street-urchin who has a precious gift for theft, theatrics, and gab. There is wit aplenty to go about. In his company is the not-so-lardaceous Jean Tannen, and their fellow Gentleman Bastards (a group of highly trained thieves who steal exclusively from the rich and keep it all for themselves), Calo, Galo, and Bug. But the money isn’t the point (‘The stealing was more the point for us than the keeping.’). The novel is not content to mark the Gentlemen Bastards as any kind of simple thieves; rather, it almost becomes a meditation on the art of theft, which may (or may not) leave some readers feeling uncomfortable – for how can one sympathise with a thief?

And in the city of Camorr, the stage is set for a conflagration of forces in the city-state of Camorr, between its Duke, the Capa, Locke Lamora and the Grey King. This statement tells the reader nothing about the nature of the novel, for it could easily be cited from the back-cover of the uncorrected book-proof upon which this review is based. And truly, for the duration of the novel, it may very well be a stage – albeit, a highly decorated one, with many metaphors focusing on the theme of reflection and [the fluidity of] identity. But don’t take that as the sole decorations present within Lynch’s novel.

And here we enter the Land of Weirdness

Here it lays, Camorr, once part of the Therin Throne empire, now an independent city-state, alongside other cities such as ‘Karthain and Lashain, Nessek and talisham, Espara and Ashmere, Iridain…Balinel and Issara…’ – it is a world that Lynch will seemingly be exploring throughout the Gentleman Bastard sequence. But returning to Camorr:

“I didn’t want to be quite as deliberately anachronistic as Matt Stover, nor as gleefully squalid as China Mieville– I wanted a place that would be exotic and beautiful even while being dirty and dangerous, as I imagine Babylon, Venice, Constantinople and old New York once were. A fantastic place to visit, a questionable place to live– an Ian Fleming thriller setting for a fantasy milieu.”[3] Thus Camorr: a city-state on the Iron Sea; with the Angevine River flowing through the city, feeding its canals, reminiscent of Venice, yet at once distinctly different, and much stranger, exotic, and far weirder. Camorr: Built from Elderglass, by a race of beings (the Eldren) long since vanished.

And so here the adventures of the Gentlemen Bastards begin, whose thieving plots are a kind of theatrical performance, an art, with a great many preparations, contingency plans, and acute observations at the root of every scheme. Of curious fascination to this reader was the interesting line straddled by Lynch between Hobbesian cruelty and nigh-absurdist amusement at the malleability of human nature. Book I – ‘Ambition’ – begins with a quote from Henry VI, Part III:

‘Why, I can smile, and murder whiles I smile,

And cry ‘Content’ to that which grieves my heart,

And wet my cheeks with artificial tears,

And frame my face to all occasions.’

We are prepared for the malevolence that life may thrust upon us, and given insight into the many factors upon which human behaviour is contingent; people can be bribed, others can be conned with stunning ease, willing to submit readily to the [imagined] perils of authority (‘It was strange how readily authority could be conjured from nothing but a bit of strutting jackassery.’). All this is then used to accentuate the principle protagonist of the story, one Locke Lamora, Thief of Camorr, and Gentleman Bastard Extraordinaire.

We find Locke and the Gentlemen Bastards in the midst of plotting an outrageous scheme involving the Don Lorenzo Salvara and his wife, Dona Sofia Salvara, the fake identity of Lukas Fehrwight, a wine vineyard, and a broiling Civil War. Lynch goes to great length to make what is otherwise a quite simple plot seem frightfully complex – an injection of personalisation that adds intensity and immediacy to the story at hand, and further involving the reader’s sympathies and interest. It’s not just a matter of wondering how it’s all going to end; we want to see our heroes walk away alive.

But all this is a prelude to the chaos that visits itself upon Camorr when the Grey King arrives to wreak havoc and vengeance upon the city, to both its rulers and citizens alike.

The pleasure for readers takes its shape in the series of complications it brings down upon the Gentlemen Bastards. And though ultimately, even if the antagonist may be little else than a trademark psycho with delusions of grandeur, readers may be left in awe of his penchant for weaving elaborate – and violent – plans.

To speak on the violence – this is the kind of novel that one does not refrain from exhibiting a wide range of depravity and violence: gang-wars, executions, the removal of tongues, stabbings, and, most horrifically, drowning in horse-piss. Taken in the context of the history of torture, whose books are filled with devices such as the heretic’s fork, maiming stork, Falaride’s Bull and the Oral, Rectal or Vaginal Pear, the depravities visited upon characters in TLOLL are really quite tame by comparison. And yet this same infliction of pain is what comes to unexpectedly serve the story; the endless emotional and physical tribulations bring with them immense pay-offs for the reader. Not unlike Caine, in Matthew Woodring Stover’s Heroes Die, Lynch pushes his protagonists to extreme thresholds, thus offering readers insights into both the psychological and physical limits of his cast of invented characters. This also rewards the reader who has invested his/her interests in the survival of the protagonists.

That is not the only way Lynch captures the readers’ attention. Because he values an absorbing reading-experience, he invokes the power of the cliff-hanger, which in his own words, he declared to be “a damn fine technique to keep in a writerly “toolbox.” It’s a killer app for the only truly important commandment of writin’… Thou Shalt Not Bore the Reader, Not at All, Not Ever.” Certainly, the novel never does seem to slow, bore, or otherwise sit upon its laurels. Chapters contain numbered sub-sections, a narrative device that can be used to break major changes of time, place and/or theme. And even shift, jump or switch is never contains scenes that telegraph the plot, be it through dialogue or authorial transmission. And there is of course some mystery, which – even up to the very end – is infused into some of the proceedings of the plot. Thou Shalt Not Bore the Reader, Not at All, Not Ever.

“A map… why does every fantasy have to start with a map?”

As a contemporary fantasy novel, there are certain tropes which are usually expected from a fantasy novel. And Lynch abandons them with gleeful, reckless joy. For one, this isn’t a pseudo-medieval world. In some circles, it has become something of a hobby to deride such settings, in part because this is somehow cribbing from Tolkien (a point that must leave George R.R. Martin feeling quite put out), or being – in the words of UK fantasist China Mieville – “badly written, clichéd and obsessed with backwards-looking dreams of the past – feudal daydreams of Good Kings and Fair Maidens.” Lynch’s novel breaks with this – one of the sub-strands of tradition that has plagued fantasy novels for the previous thirty or so odd years – and eschews a medieval landscape in favour of a more Post-Renaissance era of society, whose denizens rely on the use of knives and rapiers, rather than bastard-swords or long-swords.

Thankfully, the dialogue does not make any pretence of being particular to any specific century of actual European history. Instead, what is presented sounds more like someone swept up the blackest, most foul, block-thy-children’s-ears contemporary language, and spat it onto the pages of Lynch’s novel (‘I’ll kill both you shitsuckers,” huffed Ferenz, ‘drop you both off this fucking – ’). Going above and beyond the call of duty, Lynch doesn’t just make his characters talk like people who have clearly would not belong in a Jane Austen novel; they’ve also their own jargon. On this, he has made the following statement: “I made a conscious decision not to tart up any of my dialogue with “dialect” cuteness (“Oy, it warsh a narsty rum’ tosh, guv, bort I gort a noice shoiny penny out’er it!”); I’ve found that the trouble with creating fantasy slang/dialect is that it ultimately tends toward a state of Charles Dickens on crack.”

Lynch’s attention to language, though more than just a means of explaining the plot, does have its occasional moments of awkwardness. Certain metaphors or images are rather awkwardly stated, or make little sense (‘a mountain of red and white flame reaching up from water that rippled like a red mirror beneath the dying ship’s hull’). But this is a minor foible for what hardly ever interrupts the flow of the text, and is ultimately a minor issue.

But let us return to the criminals, for they are a fascinating lot to discuss. As the novel focuses on the less-than-savoury types, an entire diction of slang was invented. The basis for this was: “[N]o criminal subculture in history has ever pranced around openly saying things like “Last night the boys and I murdered someone, stole the contents of his pockets, and conveyed them to a purchaser of ill-gotten gains.” Slang evolved to prevent the uninitiated from comprehending the true nature of an overheard conversation, and became a powerful assurance of subcultural security and solidarity. Someone who doesn’t know the right words, or use or pronounce them properly, will have great difficulty infiltrating a criminal subculture.”[4] The Lies of Locke Lamora revels in its dialogue; entire passages deserve to be read, and then re-read, for the sheer, simple joy of the written word, for the acute sense of timing imbued in the novel. It is the stuff that humans ought to quote among themselves.

‘Creeping shits, man,’ Locke Lamora stuck out his tongue. ‘Must you do that? You know the black alchemists make fish poison from the seeds of those damn things.’

‘Lucky me,’ said Jean after swallowing the last bit of masticated pulp, ‘not being a fish.’

This is not the language of educated academics (at least not the sober kind), but of people who have spent their life living at the bottom of a social ladder where refined manners are not the order of the day. The world depicted here is not that of Georgian society, but an amalgam of 15th to 18th century Europe, and the Gentlemen Bastards are men (and women) who have been clawing their way towards a meaningful existence. And that is reflected in their manner of speaking.

The Echoing Cicada of Literature

Dickens may be one of the keys to fully understanding Lynch’s novel – his presence seems to linger somewhere beyond the pages of the novel, a distant voice. From the author’s preface to the third edition (1841) of Oliver Twist:

“I confess I have yet to learn that a lesson of the purest good may not be drawn from the vilest evil. I have always believed this to be a recognised and established truth, laid down by the greatest men the world has ever seen, constantly acted upon by the best and wisest natures, and confirmed by the reason and experience of every thinking mind. I saw no reason, when I wrote this book, why the very dregs of life, so long as their speech did not offend the ear, should not serve the purpose of a moral, at least as well as its froth and cream. Nor did I doubt that there lay festering in Saint Giles’s as good materials towards the truth as any flaunting in Saint James’s.”[5]

The characters here are not idealised tropes or stereotypes; the novel spends a more than adequate amount of time delving into the details of each character, and as Lynch is writing a sequence of novels, we will no doubt be treated to characters that shift, change, and grow throughout the course of the series. This is but the first book, one that spends an inordinate amount of pages attempting to develop the primary characters, enough that when pushed to the limit, their reactions to the situations they’re put in make perfectly logical sense to the reader. On this, Lynch offers the following thought:

“If someone is foolish enough to buy his story from me, I hope it’ll be successful enough to allow a continuation of the sequence– to explore what happens later in his life, to see the germination of his curious notions, to see what happens when he finds a place and a cause and a group of people worth fighting for, when he becomes an idealist rather than a thief, a spymaster rather than a con artist. I can write this first novel in the sure and certain knowledge of his eventual transformation– his eventual maturation and acceptance of adult responsibilities. But the reader will need affirmation in the here-and-now that Locke deserves to be called a “hero” rather than a simple protagonist.”[6]

It’s a grandiose promise, perhaps. Yet The Lies of Locke Lamora has not failed to present evidence that would suggest that not only is Lynch serious, but he’s also quite capable of achieving his goals. Locke Lamora has and the Gentlemen Bastards have only begun their adventures. 

This is a great first novel. It has its rough bumps, its flaws, but it is never boring. The prose is delightful and utterly quotable, the landscape unique and interesting, and the characters that populate the novel are foul, self-serving types, whose goals and loyalties are entirely self-serving and may shift with the drop of a coin.

Review Written by Ilya Popov

06 February, 2006

[1] http://autopope.livejournal.com/101275.html#cutid1

[2] http://www.geocities.com/thesnarkhunt/

[3] http://stupidnewbie.blogspot.com/2004_03_01_stupidnewbie_archive.html

[4] http://stupidnewbie.blogspot.com/2004_03_01_stupidnewbie_archive.html

[5] http://stupidnewbie.blogspot.com/2003_11_01_stupidnewbie_archive.html

[6] http://stupidnewbie.blogspot.com/2003_11_01_stupidnewbie_archive.html

Local Vector: Buying a property

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I have a friend from California, Aaron, who vanishes and reappears at random. Back in 2008, he’d asked me to do some translation work on a script for a film about Russian mythology.

Having finished my work on the project, I’d stopped hearing from Aaron. Once again, he vanished. A few years passed and he resurfaced. An email appeared in my inbox, asking me if I was interested in working on a real estate project. “What the hell,” I thought, “why not”. 

A few Skype calls later, I found myself with a tight one-month deadline. So I dove into the deep-end into the topic outside of my work hours (at Thomson Reuters) and produced the following abbreviated guide to buying property in California. A lot of real estate content struck me as being a bit on the dry end, and I’d been given free reign to spice up the content a bit. So I gave my best go at writing about property that I’d want it written for me if I were a prospective buyer. 

Introduction

You might think that the country has hit entered a period of economic turmoil, and that it’s no time to try and make any risky decisions. You may have a home which, due to a variety of unexpected circumstances, you’d like to sell, but are afraid to do so, for fear of losing money, due to mistakenly thinking that it’s not a buyer’s market. In reality, even during times of recession, a person can still make a profit by selling their house. It might not be an ideal time, but that by no means you can’t place your house on the market and find buyers within a reasonable amount of time. Don’t believe it? Then allow the agents and staff of LocalVector to prove otherwise.

Internet Listings:

Is it for you?

There are many virtues to having your property’s profile online: you can connect with a multitude of buyers automatically with the simple click of a button. It’s an extra bonus, in the selling process, one more thing that’ll attract viewers’ attention. When listing your details online, it lets you inform would-be buyers of a variety of traits pertaining to your house, and it provides the opportunity to hook viewers’ interests by letting them know about the number of bedrooms, land size, number of bathrooms, heating system, etc., that make the house a unique property. An intelligent seller will realize quite quickly that they’re competing against other sellers, and thus, they have an opportunity to emphasize those unique traits pertaining to their house that no one else has, like for example: a fireplace, a balcony that gets a terrific amount of sun or shade, a great outdoor area for bbq’s, a sunroom where you can relax in comfort, whilst feeling as though you’re outdoors.

It also affords you the opportunity to use your own images, or specialized ones prepared by either your agent or yourself. As such, make sure you take flattering images. For example: wide-angled lens will produce photos which emphasis spaciousness. And make sure you’ve got good light and color filtration systems set up, to bring out the best lighting and color-balance possible. So if your property has something particular or special about it that you think merits being brought to viewers’ attention? Photograph it with love.

Cheaper Than You Thought

Also, it’s cheap. Really, that’s where going online is just the most spectacular bonus. It’s fairly cheap. Sure, you have to sometimes pay a small fee to get your home listed online, but it’s such an astonishingly small fee that could potentially reap great rewards. It’s investing in yourself, and that’s never a bad idea.

Consider also the following factoids: the majority of would-be homebuyers start their search online. In this era of ours, people are prone to doing their research online before visiting the actual physical location. And consider the following: compared to online entries, newspapers are designed to be as brief and to-the-point as possible. Websites, by comparison, do not have any word-count restrictions, and feature numerous high-resolution images, and even a street-view option that lets you see what the surrounding neighborhood looks like, as though you were there yourself.

Helping Your Agent [Help You!]

For your agent, being able to refer to an online advert provides him or her with one more helpful tool that only assists the agent in his or her job. Should anyone make a phone-call query to them, regarding your property, the agent can say “well if you’re out of town but coming to the area for the weekend, take a look at Local Vector’s website, so you can see what we’ve put up online. And of course, once you’re here, we’ll be able to give you an even better look, during the open house inspection.”

Everyone wins, no one loses. Going online is cheap, it’s easy, and unlike newspapers, you don’t have to wait till a certain edition of the paper (such as the Sunday version, which tends to feature specialized inset home-sale magazines) to pique people’s’ interests. And they can always bookmark the site featuring your property and return to it later, for a second, third, etc look.

Alternative Paths:

Multiple Listing Services

However, if you’re worried about security, or simply uncomfortable having your property listed online, there is always the option of an MLS (multiple listing service) which is like an online real estate service, but with a distinct difference: it’s not public. Only people working in real estate will be using it, and what they’ll have available to them is rather like an encyclopaedia entry about your property.

Now, MLS entries can feature FSBO (For Sale By Owner) properties (which means the seller isn’t going through a real estate agent). However, because the agents who access these MLS entries might not be receiving the best commission possible, some will often ignore the properties listed in MLS systems and not show them to prospective clients (though by law they are obligated to do so).

Frequently, MLS entries are produced for prospective buyers in the form of a customized report prepared by an agent. And of course, no surprise, people frequently seek out those details that are readily and easily provided by online services – including details such as the number of bedrooms, bathrooms, the price ranges, etc.

Price Inflation:

Weighing Up Overpricing Decisions

First and foremost there is the chance that your home won’t sell. This is the main danger. If you risk putting up a price that’s more than what the market deems it to be worth, you’ll not sell. And the longer you maintain a selling status, the worse off you are. With real estate, you want to sell as quickly as you can. A prolonged unsold status is never, ever a good thing. And a result of not selling for prolonged periods of time amongst some would-be sellers is that they then drop the price, or accept an offer lower than what they set the house at.

The Dangers of Overpricing a Property

Ask yourself this: are there other homes in the area for sale? Observe the prices they are offering. Compare them with yours. Are their prices similar to yours? Are the homes themselves similar to yours? If so: you may be undermining your ultimate goal. By artificially inflating your asking price, you run the risk of receiving fewer offers on your property, and having fewer interested parties. Would-be buyers will consider your asking price to be unreasonable, and may jump to conclusions about the seller, and conclude that the seller is greedy. When considering this, contemplate whether other buyer are savvy enough to determine what your property’s actual market value might be. And remember also that appraisers will also be able to work out that you’ve jacked the price up artificially and thus may not hand out loans to would-be buyers because of that

People always wonder why such a high price is being asked for a home. Many will wonder what makes the property so special. Some may even think that there is something wrong the apartment or house that’s been advertised as being for sale.. Whether or not there’s even something wrong with the property doesn’t matter – it’s not reality that’s important, but how people perceive reality, that matters.

Consider whether or not people will look at your house and think it a budget-killer. Losing potential buyers is in no one’s interest. Even if you could find buyers willing to accept your asking price, a potential buyer’s bank might not approve a loan, finding the asking price to be too high and likely inflated. These are the risks you run. So consider alternative options available.

Sense and Sensibility on the Market

Work out what the actual marketplace value of your property is, and set it accordingly. Allow prospective buyers the chance to be able to bargain and make deals, and have financial wiggle-room. Don’t hamstring them. Focus on getting the best possible return on your investment through the bargaining process. In the end, it’ll work out well for you. You’ll have more offers from which to chose, and less stress and worry as to why agents aren’t showing off your house.

Selling Properties: On Your Own,? Or With An Agent?

Understanding for Sale by Owner Sales: Risks and Rewards

When selling a property, there are two options available as a means to sell one’s property: a property owner or owners can arrange to sell their property on their own – which in the real estate market is referred to as FSBO (For Sale By Owner), or an agent can be hired.

Each has its own risks and rewards. The downsides to selling a property on one’s own sans an agent For starters, customers will see more homes if they hire an agent is because an agent will enter their property in the MLS from where the listing gets distributed to a whole number of sites on the internet. If you are selling on your own then you will not be able to list your home on the MLS and you would need to do a lot of your own marketing. The exposure is not even comparable. (FSBO’s usually don’t go on the MLS)

FSBO: For Sale By Owner

You’re probably wondering about a term you’ve heard bandied about in the past by agents and sellers: FSBO. FSBO means For Sale By Owners. When one sells a property without an agent, their property listing is referred to as being FSBO. The process of becoming an FSBO (For Sale By Owner), has its ups and downs. Firstly, would-be FSBO’s think that by doing all the work themselves they’ll save money on agent fees, but what they don’t see is how that can adversely affect the entire process, and in fact, prolong it. Sure, you may have been scorned in the past by agents, and have become of the opinion that you don’t need them, but some agents actually are there to help, and do want to do as well by you as they possibly can. But consider what you’d have to prepare, set-up, and deal with on your own, without an agent.

The Struggles of Selling On Your Own

Evaluating the market-place, valuating the house and suggesting a proper listing price, placing ads, flyers, advertisements, online content, MLS content, dealing with interested would-be buyers, dealing with offers, holding open-houses, weighing up the value of offers made, and so,

so much more. Sounds terrifying, doesn’t it There is a reason being a real-estate agent is a full-time job. Now imagine trying to do a full-time job alongside your day-job. How long would you last? Evaluate your knowledge and ability to do a marketplace analysis of the value of local properties, their merits and flaws, and how they stack up against your property. Prepare to accept that your property won’t be listed on the MLS data-bases unless you’re happy to either pay the listing fees yourself (which comes in the form of a flat monthly fee), or have an agent list your property for you. Furthermore: do you know all the laws pertaining to property transfers in your state? Do to the considerable challenges FSBO’s face, have even made FSBO websites where they can list their property without the assistance of any real estate agency.

Due to the many stresses and difficulties FSBO’s face, it is not surprising why many would-be sellers opt instead to go through an agent to sell/buy their home. Do you know what price your home ought to be? Do you even have the time to do the research, and deal with and understand the many variables involved in determining the correct asking-price? People who don’t go through agents to sell their property have to learn, entirely on their own, (among other things) how to: organise open-houses; and which lawyers to contact to validate the property transfer;

Extra Work, Extra Costs

Certainly, one could expend extra hours doing all the work that could be done by an agent to be spared agent fees, but it is questioned by many in the real estate field whether such approaches ultimately save money in the end. Another unfortunate downside to selling a property on one’s own is the repercussion it has amongst real estate agencies: many agents won’t show prospective buyers a home that’s being sold directly thru the buyer.

Another downside to selling directly to buyers is that many would-be buyers will come to expect a price discount Is the discount expected equivalent with the fees you’d have paid had you an agent? This is but one more question to consider before making a decision.

Benefits to Selling On Your Own (You Can Do It!)

Of course, the benefit to taking the FSBO route is that one can avoid incurring unnecessary fees from real estate agents. Nor will sellers have to suffer transaction fees, or commission fees, and prospective buyers can contact a seller directly, completely by-passing the middleman. And in some parts of the country, this process has been known to work well. But that by no means makes it a sure thing. Consider the place in which you live, the level of competition involved, and most importantly, your own life. Work out whether or not you have the time to deal with the myriad issues involved, and whether or not you can deal with all the variables involved and still obtain the price you think your property is worth.

In short, if you think you have the marketing expertise, the time, the energy, the education, negotiating skills and some magical access to MLS’s? If you think you’ve the energy and wherewithal to be an FSBO’er, then go for it, but be prepared for all the unexpected challenges that await.

Short Sales: Is It for You?

Have you suffered an injury that makes it impossible for you to earn an income for a duration that’s insufferably long? Are you likely to fail in making your mortgage repayments? Are you worried about a foreclosure and losing your house? If so, a short-sale is probably something you should consider.

When it becomes impossible to make mortgage repayments, and it turns out that you owe more on your home than it is actually worth, you may want to consider this option. Other reasons for which you may pursue this action include going through a divorce (though hopefully not a messy one), or having to relocate for a job.

Life After Short Sales

Superficially, to the uninitiated, a short-sale might seem to suggest that one’s life has taken a turn for the worse and that one is living in less-than-ideal circumstances, but in reality it’s a great way to escape one’s mortgage obligations. Granted, many will say that it leaves a negative impact on one’s credit score, but what also needs to remember is that plenty of people who’ve had short-sales have returned to the property market as soon as three years later, and managed to obtain a new mortgage, and start the mortgage game anew.

How It Works

Remember: In the U.S. you can get your remaining debt forgiven if you sell your property via a short-sale. So say for example you’ve a mortgage of $200,000 and you sell the home for $150,000, the remaining balance of $50,000 can (and will) be forgiven by the bank. Now, though you’ll also be spared having to account for and pay assorted other costs such as commission fees, property taxes, et all, you may still find yourself taking a tax hit later on down the line, as there are some peculiar tax stipulations that come with initiating a short-sale. So, if you’ve an income of some sort that’s being earned whilst going through the short-sale, that income can be taxed against the cancelled debt. So before you enter into a short-sale, be sure to check with the IRS, and read up on what risks you can incur in terms of taxation. For a more indepth explanation of the taxation risks involved in short-sales, take a glance at SmartMoney’s article on the subjct here:

http://www.smartmoney.com/taxes/income/the-taxing-consequences-of-short-sales/

Credit Score Impact

Now, you’re likely to wonder how a short-sale will impact your credit score. The reality of the matter is this: your credit score willbe impacted. However, removing a large debt from your credit report is also a positive action, as it frees you from payment obligations until such a time as you return to the property market.

How You Can Get Help

Given the many varied complexities involved in organizing a short-sales (such as how to deal with the lender, obtaining deficiency judgments, obtaining a hardship letter and letter of authorization to begin the process of a short-sale, it’s best to obtain the services of a real estate agent. Unlike FSBO’s, this is one facet of reality that’s best faced with the help and assistance of a thoughtful, details-orientated and highly sympathetic real estate agent. The agents employed by LocalVector have had years of training in dealing with such matters, and understand not only the myriad minutiae that can appear when dealing with short-sales, but also how to communicate in a clear and understandable manner to all their clients how to best navigate through the process in the most efficient manner possible. If you have yet more questions about the subject, searching for “shortsale” on usa.gov will be a helpful resource:

http://search.usa.gov/search?affiliate=housingandurbandevelopment&query=shortsale

Choosing a Good Agent

Now, obviously, you don’t need an agent to buy a home, but having one certainly helps, as fulfilling the duties of an agent on one’s own can be very taxing and time-consuming, and the end-results may be no better than had you obtained a real estate agent. With that in mind, if you’re going to choose to find a real estate agent, would you be surprised at all to discover that a great many agents are at least mentioned, if not referred to, via groups of friends? Commonly, prospective buyers talk to their friends, in search of suggestions. Now, if you do ask your friends, take note of the following: are there any names that come up on a frequent basis? Is there anyone in particular that your friends seem to think is worth hiring?

The Agency Weaning Process

Whilst asking your friends, consider also where you wish to live. Work out what you think you can afford and where you’d like to purchase a property. Spend some time looking around that area, and determine whether or not the telephone-number of particular agents’ names appear with regular frequency upon the signs of homes being bought or sold. If so, that’s also a good starting point towards finding a good agent, as you want to make sure that your agent is familiar with the area in which you wish to make your purchase, and will know how to develop an accurate strategy that will help you purchase your home.

Interviewing the Agent

Once you’ve located an agency or agencies that you think might be a good fit, interview one from each agency. But never more than one from each agency, as that can create internal social problems for agents. Interviewing more than one agent at an agency can create extra problems for the managers and employees alike, including rivalries, and that’s not conducive to a healthy workplace, so it’s best avoided by maintaining the one agent per agency policy during the interview process.

How to Find the Agent That’s Right for You

Once you’ve located an agent (or potential agent(s)), you’ll want to make sure that they’re a good fit, and that they know what they’re doing. So during the initial consultation, ask them the sort of questions that need asking: what their success-rate is, how long they’ve worked in the industry, in what kind of properties he or she specializes, what sort of clients they’ve served, and so on. Find out about their track-record, make sure they’re capable and intelligent and understand what they’re doing. Given that buying real estate is one of the biggest financial undertakings that a person can have, it’s important to have an agent who’s experienced and with whom you feel comfortable. It’s also extremely important that you have an agent with whom you have a good rapport, who’s open, honest, well-trained, and who speaks intelligently and insightfully, and understands your needs. Think of an agent like a co-worker or a team-leader: haven’t you ever noticed how much better your workplace environment is when you get along with your team leader and co-workers? That same sort of attitude can be applied to the client-agent relationship.

The Duties of an Agent

One of the duties of an agent will be understand every single element of the process involved in purchasing a property, from the beginning to the end, and it’s important to have an agent who can explain every facet of the process to you in language and terms and metaphors that you can understand. With this openness comes honesty, and your agent by law must disclose all facts regarding a property to you. If you want to make absolutely sure that this happens, try to hire an agent who’s also a realtor, as the National Association of Realtors have a Code of Ethics that is so strict it could make a Jesuit Priest blush. (And remember also that realtors, unlike agents, will often check Multiple Listing Services; whereas with an agent, there is no guarantee that they will do that).

Agent Representation

Furthermore, always make sure that the agent with whom you are working only represents one side of a transaction – you do not want your agent representing both a prospective buyer and a prospective seller. It is best to avoid the numerous ethical problems that can develop as a result of having such an agent. Thus, make sure you ask your agent if he or she is only representing you, rather than yourself and the seller.

Professionalism as a Buyer

That said, there are a few things that you must also keep in mind: a considerable portion of all real estate agents do not get paid a salary; they earn their money from a commission, so it is as important for them to do a good job as it is for anyone else. Given the stress involved in living on a commission-based salary, it is in your best interests to treat agents with as much dignity and respect and professionalism as you would a co-worker. What does this mean? Be courteous to them. Show up on time for any appointments you may have scheduled.

Multiple Offers and the Process Involved

It’s not uncommon for sellers to receive multiple offers on a house. In fact, it’s even advantageous, as it will create competition, and may even raise the final paid-for price above that which was offered. When you finally come to the stage of sorting out various offers, you’ll likely get offers where the clients (via their respective agents) have a loan that’s ready to be funded, are willing to pay a certain amount of cash upfront, or some other variant therein. At that stage, one’s options will be to either: reject all offers (and request new submissions), reject some offers, or to counter all offers which have been presented.

The Vetting Process

With counter-offers there are different ways of dealing with them. You can present it directly to the agents or buyers, and make a race of it, or you can set a deadline, by which point each prospective-buyer has reissued their offer. So when you’re considering the offers that have been issued, it’s important to vet those whose offers are most solid. Who’s qualified for a loan? Who has guaranteed financing? Some buyers will issue the seller with a list of requests, usually in the form of cosmetic touch-ups that they wish to have made to the property? Others will ask to have you credit a percentage of the purchasing price towards closing costs. These are all legitimate concerns that merit thinking about when looking over offers with your agent.

Buyer Contingencies’ Impact Upon Closing a Deal

In order to make sure that you get the best possible deal with the best possible buyer, you need to understand all buyer contingencies that can exist, in order to make sure the entire process proceeds smoothly. Now, a contingency, in the real estate world, is simply a set of clauses which allow a buyer to walk away from a purchase sans any financial or legal penalties. Three well-known contingencies are:

Time-Limit Contingencies (a set amount of days over which the offer must be accepted and begin being processed;

Inspection Contingencies (if upon closer inspection, flaws are found in the house that were notpreviously noted or reported, the buyer can walk away sans penalty);

Financing Contingencies (if a buyer cannot secure financing, they can walk away from theproperty).

As the seller, it’s important to see what sort of contingencies will be made by buyers and their agents, so always read over all the legal documents which they present, and read over them carefully.

Buyer Negotiations

Another part of the selling process involves negotiating with prospective buyers. Though you may issue a counter-offer, a buyer can also counter a counter-offer. Be prepared to deal with this in the most calm, and professional manner possible. Each party in the buying and selling process is trying to maximize their respective outcome, and that traditionally involves a few rounds of negotiation between parties. This is a normal part of the selling process, and is sometimes necessary towards moving the property into escrow.

The Escrow Process:

It’s French for “Paper”

Now, after all negotiations have been settled, and terms have been reached (with neither swords nor dueling-pistols), a property will enter into escrow. This is good. Extremely good. When a property has entered into escrow, it means that a sum of is being held by neither the buyer nor the seller, but rather, a third party. This third party will hold on to the money, which a buyer provides, as a kind of trust, signifying that they believe that all the documents pertaining to the sale and purchase of the property will be signed, and that all agreements between parties will be fulfilled. Think of it as money offered in trust that the process will continue along as planned, and that neither party will do something colossally stupid. This trust-money that is in escrow is commonly seen as counting towards the buyer’s down-payment on a property.

When Escrow Begins

After escrow begins, a series of actions will take place, in the following order. Don’t freak out – it’s all part of the process, and means that the deal is careening towards its inevitable conclusion. Here is what is to come, once you’ve entered into escrow:

1.  The buyers await the bank’s appraisal of the property in question (banks will do appraisals on houses to protect their financial interests – typically this involves getting a price estimate which they compare against the price for which the property was sold, so as to better understand the numbers involved in the process, and thus know what to expect should they need to foreclose on the property);

2.  The buyer(s) will secure financing (ideally, a buyer already has a home-loan pre-approved by this time);

3.  A letter from the sellers or the seller’s agent is sent to the buyer, identifying all known issues that have been found. This letter (formally called a Letter of Disclosure) gets needs to be approved by the buyer;

4.  Non-obligatory home-inspections may occur. Realistically, this ought to have occurred earlier in the purchasing process, but sometimes, buyers like to have one last check, just to settle their nerves, and feel reassured that everything with the property is fine, and that all is in order. Should this happen, a buyer can request (and pay for) a home inspection, pest inspection, environmental inspection; etc.

5.  Buyers may purchase a variety of insurance policies that they think might be useful to have, including homeowners’ insurance, hazard insurance, and so on;

6.  Now cometh the Acquisition of Title Report and Title Insurance. The former states that there are no liens (legal claims) on the property by other parties. The latter, title insurance, is insurance that a buyer can obtain to protect themselves legally if and when unexpected issues might appear that were not initially detected during earlier inspections. If there are, and one has title insurance, the seller will be legally obligated to fix any outstanding issues;

7.  Buyers can have one last walk-through of the property. It’s not necessary, but there is a need to make sure that what’s being purchased reflects what’s being sold, and so people will do one last check;

8.  Buyers will review the HUD-1 Settlement Statement. The HUD-1 form (whose acronym comes from the [U.S.] Department of Housing and Urban Development) lists all the services and fees charged to the borrower by the bank (or whomever the lender is) for the purposes of purchasing (and/or refinancing) a property. If you’d like to see an example of a HUD-1 document, hud.gov has kindly provided one for your convenience here: http://www.hud.gov/offices/adm/hudclips/forms/files/1.pdf.

As of 2010, the HUD-1 contains an additional section, called the Good Faith Estimate (GFE). The Good Faith Estimate is a financial statement that lists a buyer’s loan-size, the interest rate, the closing costs, and various other costs pertaining to the property being purchased.

Buyers need to review this, so as to ascertain whether there are any mistakes or mysterious charges (called ‘junk fees’). Mistakes (intentional or otherwise) can appear in these documents, and it is important that buyers inspect them carefully for anything that might appear out of place, and get them sorted as soon as they are discovered, so as to not pay excess amounts of money for unjustifiable reasons;

9.  Finally, loan paperwork is signed. This is as close as one can come to experiencing a physical manifestation of Hell when purchasing or selling a property. These documents tend to be long, and they tend to be manifestly boring. But they’re also incredibly important, so read carefully, and make sure your agent and/or loan officer is present. Look over it with them. They are your armor, your last line of defense, and your sanity check.

Upon signing the loan paperwork, the following set of actions occur:

1.  The escrow company executes all and any closing instructions

2.  Loan funds get distributed to the seller of the property

3.  The light at the end of the tunnel finally appears

And in the End…

Once the property is recorded in the buyer’s name, and funds have been transferred to and fro the correct accounts, the property transaction will be recorded in the records of the town or city in which the exchange is occurring, and the buyer’s name is officially shown (and recognized) as the owner. And that’s when the new owner of the property is given a set of keys, and life in a new property begins.

Escrow Fees

With escrow fees, one may ask: who pays for this? The answer? Both parties. In a real estate transaction, both the buyer and the seller can expect to have to pay one-half of an escrow fee. However, it must be pointed out that there does not seem to be a consistent policy with regards to this. In some states, the buyer may be saddled with the escrow fees, in others, it may be different. It’s always best to find out from your real estate agency what the rules are concerning this, and factor it into the costs that will be associated with transferring property ownership.

Safety Response Modernisation

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The second of two Safe Response pieces that I was asked to write.

Safety. It’s not a concept that one can treat lightly or flippantly.

At Safe Response, we’ve placed our focus first and foremost on safety, and secondly, on modernising safety practices, to ensure that what’s taught is relevant, useful, and does more than tick a few boxes on a company’s checklist of compliance regulations.

It’s easy to be flippant about safety and crisis situations and think “it’ll never happen to me”. Until it does. And it will. And when it does, what will have been more useful: attending a seminar a few hours long, or having had reinforced training and education to ensure a disciplined and methodical response during a moment of extreme pressure?

It used to be, traditionally, that how Australians learned about safety was through something as simple as listening to a story.

Seriously.

Not quite your campfire tale. Maybe it was at an RSL, or maybe at some glitzy event where a veteran of a war is brought up to speak. Maybe it’s even a family member. And they’d go into as much – or little – detail about their experiences of how they dealt with a fire, a robber, a car accident, a war zone. Audiences would listen, and be expected to learn from that one-directional transferal of information.

That doesn’t work anymore, if it ever did in fact really work. It’s not enough to expect people to learn. We need them to be trained. To have undergone routine practice. To know how things work, and know what to do each step of the way.

At Safe Response, we’ve produced an innovative and holistic approach that covers all aspects of workplace safety and safety management. We focus intently on high level management skills, bottom-end exercises, and user experiences. It’s not enough to say that a person listened, took notes, and checked a few boxes to indicate they attended a seminar.

That’s not good enough anymore.

Which is why we continue stressing the importance of modernisation, of modernising the safe response system. We want to go beyond book training, or simple seminars or lectures, to the tangible, to experience, practice, training.

For Safe Response, best practice entails a long-term plan, that involves drills and exercises, training, emergency control organisation, training schedules, emergency procedures, and emergency planning. And to make such an approach worthwhile means putting at least a three-year plan in place. Otherwise –what’s the point? Safety should be taken seriously. After all, people don’t complete one driving lesson before receiving a full license, do they? Of course not. Why should training be any different?

As a business, our goal is to engage businesses who understand our value proposition, why our services matter, and who value a relationship with us that involves us managing, assisting with, and complementing business continuity objectives.

We’re Safe Response. We’re not kidding around.

How safety response systems helped me

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This was such an unlikely project. A few mutual connections led to me being asked to provide some content for a safety company in mid-2017. This led to me driving down to Minto, in southern Sydney, and visiting an enormous warehouse that looked for all the world like an amusement park for adults, and run by an owner who was the spitting image of Clark Kent, and just as soft spoken. Two hours later, I walked out dizzy with concepts and ideas that I might not have encountered. 

A few weeks later, I submitted a few pieces, as requested, for eventual use by the organisation. I don’t know if any of my work ever made it up on their website or elsewhere. But that’s okay. It was a terrific experience to do something new for a terrifically polite and passionate chap. 

A few years ago I was driving home from work – I was knocking off a bit early after a busy week, so I was hitting traffic just as the sun was reaching that very special degree of ‘screw you, drivers’. It was, in short – a pretty glare-rich afternoon driving home.

As I neared home, driving at a reasonably slow speed of approximately 30km/h, I was readjusting my glare visor. As I did so, two cars stopped in front of me rather suddenly. I was in the midst of adjusting the visor as this happened, and ended up running into the back of a car, and it dominoed into another car in front of it.

Thankfully, I was in a fairly safe car – a red, two-door RAV 4.

Despite being caught completely off-guard by the sudden impact (I knew the roads around where this took place – Northmead – fairly well, as I was living there at time and had taken the time to learn the particular eccentricities of the roads of this suburb), I managed to ensure that I responded to the incident appropriately.

Following the initial impact, I turned off the motor, and did absolutely nothing but breathe, to calm my nerves and take stock of the situation.

The airbag had not deployed.

The seatbelts hadn’t busted in any visible way.

Everything seemed to be in order. Aside from the bleeding obvious.

Once I’ve taken stock of my situation, I emerged from my car and saw that the front had been mangled like a cheap tinnie after a big night out. Oh boy.

My attention then turned to the two cars in front of me, both of whom had also stopped (it was at this point I realised that the collision had affected more than just the car in front of me). I sidled up to one car after another, to check on their inhabitants and determine the state of each car’s passengers.

The passengers of both cars appeared to be unharmed and one by one emerged from within their vehicles (a Toyota Corolla and a Mazda 2). Just as I had done earlier, the drivers of each car took stock of the situation so as to determine the level of damage done. Ultimately, the car in the very front had sustained no visible damage (and ultimately drove away later on).

However, both my car and the car immediately in front of me (the Corolla) in the end needed to be towed due to having sustained considerable amounts of damage.

After we’d all had time to process the levels of damage done to our respective automobiles, we proceeded to very civilly exchange details, including taking pictures (on our smartphones) of each driver’s licence plate, driver’s licences, and contact information, including emails and phone numbers.

Following this, we all proceeded to turn our hazard lights on, and carefully moved away from the scene, and carefully crossed three lanes of traffic to the nearest intersection, and then made phone calls to the police and emergency services, as well as our respective insurance companies, to determine what course of action to take next. The three of us then proceeded to chat politely for 15 or so minutes as we awaited the arrival of the police and ambulance.

Once the police and ambulance arrived, we were all given the quick Once Over to ensure we hadn’t broken, strained, or pulled anything, and then explained the situation that had occurred to the officers, and ensured that our stories corroborated and held up to (pardon the pun) the light of day.

Throughout the course of this entire incident I managed to maintain my cool at all times. I attribute this zen-like status due to the road safety and emergency training I went through when preparing to get my driver’s licence, as well as the refresher course I did prior to starting the job I worked at the time (as a sales representative, which involved a consistent and regular amount of travelling).

I consider myself lucky to have also been required to take first aid courses for previous roles, which also included emergency situation training. Luckily, none of this was necessary in this particular instance, but I’ve no doubt that having undergone training for such situations assisted me in maintaining a calm and clear focus and demeanour.

The Holidays: Not Forgetting that Rock and Roll is about Having Fun

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Gosh. 2007. How time flies (usually like a banana).

I’d only recently moved to Australia, and was in the process of coming into contact with a whole new world of music that hadn’t yet made its way over to Canada or the US yet. At the time, the now (sadly) defunct Vibewire Magazine was willing to accept freelance pieces. And somehow, through some chance opportunity, I’d managed to get my hands on an excellent EP by a recently-formed Sydney based rock outfit. 

And what music fan doesn’t secretly dream of one day being a music journalist? How could I pass by the opportunity to experience that? 

Meet The Holidays.

The Holidays want you to know: if you come to their show, don’t mind the cask wine lying about within vicinity of the stage. It’s a motif. Roger Waters had a tortured psyche and inflatable pigs, Green Day had Super Soakers™.

The Holidays?

They have cask wine. Lead singer Simon Jones and bassist Alex Kortt are – surprise! – wine aficionados and have a rather peculiar way of showing off their love for white wines, especially Verdelhos. But don’t be afraid – the members of The Holidays are not wine snobs. In fact, Simon Jones is not afraid to mix his wines with other beverages, much to the horror of wine snobs the world around.

Easier access to booze isn’t the only thing that’s left The Holidays with reasons to cheer. It’s been a good year for them. Airplay in both Australia and the U.S., attention from A&R Worldwide, and a steady set of gigs has left the band feeling fairly satisfied. And then there was that small matter of the launch of their debut self-titled EP. “It’s nice to have something out, of course,” said Simon. Even over the phone, he sounds positively ecstatic. And with reason.

Their first EP is a non-stop assault of music that makes the feet tap. “It’s our thing,” said Simon, talking about The Holidays’ poppy arrangements and accessible – but not frivolous – lyrics.

There’s nothing dour about the songs on their EP at all. From the upbeat melody of the title track, Holiday, which just begs to be listened to while strutting about a city, to the suddenness of The Werewolf You Become, a more serious yet surprisingly spontaneous in-studio track that wasrecorded within one hour (“there’s nothing immediate about it,” Simon suggested, sounding almost bemused), the EP is a rich panoply of tunes that suggest exactly what the band set out to do: create a united form, but still maintain a distinct enough amount of musical diversity among all the songs.

The highlight of the album might in fact be Planes, a song about a difficult relationship between two people. Despite the seriousness of the subject matter, the song itself is has a fast temp, is eminently danceable, and rocks along at a steady pace towards a thundering resolution.

The goal, Simon suggests, was to have the kind of music people can listen to one-hundred times. The Holidays have no desire to be thought of as disposable pop. And certainly, Simon grants, “We ended up writing music that we want to listen to.”

Taking notes from Elvis Costello (whom Simon considers to be “a lyrically interesting songwriter”) and Brian Wilson, to name a few relevant influences, the musical philosophy of The Holidays is really quite simple: write enjoyable, upbeat music that utilises rhythm guitars whenever possible.

“We’re a guitar band, really,” says Simon, matter-of-factly. And they’ve put their skills to good use. Around the time of formation, the members of the band took note of the “kind of angsty, new wave sound, 70’s style” that was undergoing a musical renaissance, and made a decision as to what they were going to do.

“We were kind of conscious in going away from that,” said Simon. Instead, The Holidays chose to focus on creating songs that utilised rhythm guitars, inventing melodies that would stick to the walls of a skull like gum to the sole of a shoe, and singing music that made the listener’s day a little better.

As many fans are wondering: does this mean their next album will feature similar types of songs? Simon revealed somewhat cryptically that the band is “still deciding, trying to write as much as possible.”

At this stage, he suggests that at the end of the year there’s the possibility of another EP, to form a bridge “between the albums”, and that sometime in early ’09 fans of the band will be graced with a third release. Until then, look for the band surrounded by casks of wine.

Don’t ask. It’s just their thing. That’s how The Holidays roll.

Ultima Online: Renaissance

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Originally published on 13 June 2000 on 3DGaming.net. Man, those were some fun times.

Concept

Recently, Origin released a second expansion pack for Ultima Online, known as Ultima Online: Renaissance. This new expansion offers a variety of improvements to the original product, as well as the full game to those who don’t own either UO or the first expansion, known as The Second Age.

Ultima Online: Renaissance felt like an old friend upon the initial boot. I’d played Ultima Online shortly after its initial release, which, as has been told many a times, was a less than perfect release candidate. Nonetheless, I enjoyed it for a short while until I found myself enchanted with other products. Ultima Online stands as an achievement in the online RPG category. Not only is it a unique game for not replying upon an AD&D level based system (as the competition does), but it also earns high marks for not forcing its players to resort to combat to make a living.

For those who are ready and waiting for some flaw in my review, I’ll make this clear right from the start: I am not comparing the gameplay aspects of UO: Renaissance to the original Ultima Online, nor to The Second Age. Instead, I’m stating what the upgrades to the original product have been and how it compares and contrasts with the current competition on the market: Asheron’s Call and EverQuest.

Although I have played UO before, it has been quite some time since I have ventured into Britannia, thus any mistakes made in the review are based solely on my own limited amount of time in which to review the product, as well as lingering memories of the original product. There are no biases present, only observations made during my time playing UO: Renaissance.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence you tried.

The concept of Ultima Online is succinctly explained in an opening video detailing the Avatar’s defeat of the evil mage Mondain, who used a crystal in an attempt to enslave the world of Sosaria. Apparently the Avatar wasn’t very nimble, as he destroyed the magical crystal the wizard was having an affair with.

You’d think Mondain could get a room so we wouldn’t have to watch the love making process with the crystal. Anyway, the Avatar killed him and shattered the crystal, thus creating a concept I’ve seen before in DC comics, a thousand different worlds that are all more or less the same. Or something.

Does Ultima Online really need more exposition than this? I think not. On with the review!

“See, you just shouldn’t have a social life! It works!”

Gameplay

Welcome to the world of online RPGs. Time to make a character! Choose your gender, your hairstyle, your traits, your skills, and your name! We hope you don’t mind, but…you’re a sprite in a 2D world. No 3D for you! You know, I bet you could make a song out of that: ‘Sprite in a 2D [Kind of] World.’

Anyway, the gameplay is pretty much still the same old thing you all know; you have your character and he can do whatever you built him or her to do: blacksmith, chief, dominatrix, anything you like. My cool guy Tauger Aman is a mild mannered adventurer with swagger and style. In my first adventure in Britannia, I wandered around and had random NPC’s telling me to talk to various people that a magical floating arrow would point to. Eventually, if you talk to enough people you begin receiving free stuff.

After having harassed the local blacksmith about what hours his daughters were free during (note: plural. I was going to have some fun tonight!), the blacksmith sent me to a woman dressed in a purple cloak. Apparently fashion sense is a phrase lost to the people of Sosaria. After I talked to her for what must have been the fourth time, she gave me a free sword. In the real world, sexual harassment cases are taken to court. In Sosaria, you get a free sword. This game is starting to look better and better all the time.

“Man, I gotta stop eatin’ the whole box of pop tarts. I was okay when there were six in the box, but eight definitely plays tricks on my mind.”

I decided to go hunting and see what neat stuff I could do. I found a goat stomping around in the forest, so I decided to kick its ass. After about five minutes of combat, the little bastard finally fell to the might of my powerful newbie sword and I was victorious. After taking a few minutes to heal though some means unknown to me (I’m guessing it’s magic), I saw a llama. I decided to attack the llama. It kicked my ass. I ran back to the city and vowed revenge upon the llama.

Eventually I met up with a dialed dude by the name of ‘The Respectable Druuz.’ He taught me to swing like the coolest of cats and gave me some bone armor, after which we decided to go hunting in the forests surrounding the city. He helped me pick up a box, lift some rocks, and stand on my head. Then he attacked a wraith. I joined in the battle and we kicked its smarmy little ass.

Then I saw that damn llama. With my shiny new sword, shield, and armor that I was too weak to wear, I attacked the furry bastard. A few minutes later I stood over the corpse of a sautéed llama, covered with its blood, but by Tempus, victory was mine! Wait, Tempus was a god in The Forgotten Realms. Dammit! Wrong universe! I knew I should have taken my Ritalin this morning!

I mentioned earlier (somewhere) that Ultima Online: Renaissance sports a variety of new features, and among them is one called Modified Player Killing. Asheron’s Call had it right from the get go. Origin didn’t. Any ‘1337’ newbie with a “DIE YOU STUPID HEAD!” T-shirt and a face resembling the surface of Mars could take your ass out once outside the city limits.

The interface (or the lack thereof) has been improved for group/party playing. Imagine the game twister but with swords and you’ll get the idea. Members of your group can also take loot from your body if specified in the group options. The landmass has apparently also been increased in size, which should make all you real-estate agents happy. Let the auctions begin!

The object of war is not to die for your country but try to make the other bastard die for his!

Graphics

Six years ago, Ultima VIII: Pagan was released, powered by the… Ultima VIII engine. The same engine that powers Ultima VIII powers Ultima Online.

I’m at odds with this part of the review. On one hand, the graphics are fine and decent for their time, but compared to modern games such as Baldur’s Gate, the as yet unreleased Neverwinter Nights, and even Diablo, the graphics of Ultima Online feel a bit underwhelming and dated.

All the characters are sprite based. ‘3D’ is not an applicable term with this game. Even your old S3 Virge you’ve condemned to the darkest crevices of your basement would have no trouble running this game. At least it’s not as graphically intense as other games in this day and age, but that’s to be expected with an engine this old. Having 3D graphics would be nice, but then, that’s what Ultima Online 2 is all about, right?

“Iku iku!! Translation: I’m coming I’m coming!”

Cinematics

As I mentioned in the gameplay section, the opening video details the Avatar’s overcoming the evil mage Mondain, which sounds dangerously close to “mundane.” This brings me to my biggest gripe. Why are all mages evil? Why can’t they simply be… misunderstood? Perhaps venting at the world due to the death of their favorite servant? I think future fantasy games really have to work on fleshing out their ‘evil mages’ into something a bit more three-dimensional.

Nonetheless, the opening video conveys the plot of the game and at least attempts to explain the existence of the various servers (known as shards). It’s more than other games have been willing to do. Then again, perhaps the other games simply don’t care.

(blakeRz) Anyone who confesses to being a Starbucks fan will be banned for one hour.

Sound

In the day and age of red book audio, compressed wav files, mp3s, and mod files, why am I still hearing midis for music? The day and age of midi is over ladies and gentlemen! I want to hear crisp digital audio at 448000 Hz! No more of this midi nonsense! As midi goes though, the music isn’t quite as catchy as EverQuest, but it’s better than Asheron’s Call. That’s an inside joke, since Asheron’s Call has no music.

Don’t expect superb quality midi when you purchase the game. It’s passable as background noise, but that’s about it. The ambient sounds are decently done; sounds such as footsteps and birds are common to the ear when playing UO.

I expect to hear high quality music in all the games I play. This is the year 2000, not 1996. Technology has advanced to the point where having music via an mp3, mod file, wav file, or even red book audio is the only way to go. Please catch up with the rest of the world, Origin.

Interface

Ho boy! This one is a crapper. Ultima Online, meet the year 2000. Your interface sucks. Due to UO: Renaissance being nothing more than a glorified patch, the chances of getting an overhaul to escape macro hell seems highly unlikely. Hopefully someone at Origin will realize just how much of an aberration the interface is (not likely) and won’t allow such a travesty to occur with Ultima Online 2. The problem is this: the game is run completely by macros. Everything is a shlep and a bitch to access. I wonder if anyone working on the UO Live staff has ever played Asheron’s Call or Baldur’s Gate, which stand as the best examples of how to make an interface work properly.

(Rob) I love Starbucks. -o+b Rob

Due to the already overly strenuous learning curve to the game, a cumbersome interface only further pushes my already strained tolerance. Having items scattered about a backpack in no specific order is not what I would consider organization, and the item recognition system isn’t the finest I’ve seen either. Hopefully UO2 will sport a refined and smarter interface than the one currently in use.

Another gripe is the chat system. It’s simply disgusting. 1994 is no longer in style. Having dialogue appear above characters is simply an ugly system that not only clutters the screen but also causes an immense amount of lag, which is felt quite painfully by those on dial-up connections. Having a chat box at the bottom of the screen is the way to go. It also allows for a larger amount of chatting to occur without slowing down the game.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

Multiplayer

I really don’t think this needs much detail. Is there lag? Yes, but only when you’re in a heavily populated area. Other than that, the lag is minimal and I have no complaint with it. I’ve rarely ever felt any, which may be largely due to my cable modem, but I have felt it, and when Britannia is crowded… no one is safe.

Compared to the likes of EverQuest and Asheron’s Call, the lag has been fairly tolerable. The servers do die on occasion, and during peak hours I do suggest staying the hell away from crowded areas, but otherwise, it’s not all that bad. I didn’t see any window that monitored lag to give me an idea of just how bad it was. Personally I think it’d be a welcome addition to UO.

Conclusion

Whether or not you like MMORPGS, or specifically Ultima Online, one clear fact can be ascertained: Ultima Online is a hit. There is something inherently fun and exciting about Ultima Online. Perhaps it is the ability to not have to fight to survive and make a living. Perhaps it is the wholly unique role playing system; perhaps it is the lack of a ‘MarketQuest’ style atmosphere. Perhaps it is something else entirely.

While it may not be a brand new game, the expansion does add more depth UO by offering more options for group playing, culling player killer power, expanding land, improving the interface, offering new looting options, and improving the chat options. Then again, being able to kill a llama in any game means it will offer hours of joy.

The Goods

Quick Peek: A new update of Ultima Online, a “massively multiplayer” game with the ability to hold hundreds of players in one world on different servers known as shards.
Pros: Atmospheric world, addictive gameplay, Pking improved, tweaked interface.
Cons: Extremely steep learning curve, dated graphics, midi music used, hellish interface, macros rule the game.
Value: It’s $10 a month for terrifyingly addictive gameplay. You know the deal, you log on, and you don’t stop playing. Origin takes your money, your loved ones leave you and you’re left all alone.

End of the Line

System Reqs: Pentium II 233, 32MB RAM, 590MB HD, 8X CD-ROM, 56K Internet Connection
API’s Supported: N/A
Hype Level: 7/10
Overall Grade: B-
Recommendation: MMORPG, drug, it’s the same thing as far as I’m concerned. Although it’s not a 3D game like Asheron’s Call and EverQuest, it’s still damn fun and has its own pros and cons. There’s a great deal to be enjoyed. If you want a game with depth, you can’t go wrong with UO. I highly recommend you try it, despite the steep learning curve.

Grades

Concept: A
Gameplay: A-
Graphics: B
Cinematics: A
Sound: C-
Interface: D-
Multiplayer: A-
Overall: B-